The Writer in the Dark

I don’t know what my purpose is yet, but I know what I’m gonna do until next year. I’ve decided to do this and screw what everybody else got to say. Including you, Mom. I’m an executive manager in a music school and you’ll see what I’ll become. I’m gonna make that trip around the world. I’m gonna make these stories of mine published.

Was supposed to work in the morning but dismissed it by pretending to catch the flu. Not that I wasn’t exactly healthy anyway. I could feel a flu coming, thus I needed the extra sleep. Especially when I just arrived from Bali after midnight. God, the amount of tasks I had to catch up. Started to work in the afternoon, dealing with schedule and students’ parents. Decided that this was what I wanted to do until next year, and probably next years to come. A member of the family still urged me to apply to a government-run oil and gas company in which I had no interest in whatsoever. I declined her offer kindly. Had dinner with Ci Ajeng in Radja Ketjil. The restaurant is always such a heaven. Felt like flu fly away, or maybe it was because the sky dining rooftop wasn’t that chilly. I felt content and discontent at the same time. I missed someone and I hated myself for it. I’m almost 23 and I still feel like 13.

It was unexpected that someone would walk along the beach when I’d stopped crying last night. It was dark, I didn’t even get to see his face that clear. The lighting was minimal, especially with the moon hiding behind the clouds. We didn’t exactly introduce ourselves in the beginning and somehow we just started talking. He was from Bangladesh, a heart doctor with two children in an unhappy marriage. He couldn’t divorce his wife in order to avoid the social judgment. Funny how life isn’t that much different in Asia. And we cover the whole anthropogenic races, mind you. In exchange, I told him my life story. There is something about a faceless stranger that makes you trust him. Maybe it’s the knowing that you’ll never see him again. I told him everything, and that was when I realized and admitted that I was still in love with the same person I was in love with three years ago. I should be ashamed, but all I felt was pain.

This morning, I took over the cashier duty alone because my partner was being a jerk. Second-day period. Always a justified reason to have a bad trip. Finished at 10 in the morning. Should have spent the whole day looking for mushroom in Kuta, but I was so tired. I ended up sleeping until it was time to go to the airport. Took the almost-midnight flight. Home. Finally. I hated Nusa Dua already.

Stood by the cashier desk once again. By now, I’d handled almost 50,000 USD I think. In cash. The dollars smell awesome, and if only I could run away with the money, I’d certainly use the money to visit Jillian in the US for her wedding. To be honest, these ASEAN and US trips are my only motivation to earn money at the moment. Bali was still boring and I was looking to get some mushroom in Kuta, but I couldn’t go anywhere. Read Discover Magazine again to kill time, while my two workmates talked with this fly guy who danced to SNSD when work was low. K-Pop is freaking everywhere.

I thought of missing the Gala Dinner, because really, what would I do there besides eating? Oh yeah, exactly, eating. Decided to go cos I was hungry. Let’s see how doctors have fun.

The gala dinner was very fancy, but honestly? I don’t think the food was that great. We watched a couple of traditional dances. Always fascinated with those colors in their costumes. Ate some more, and it still didn’t taste like a gala dinner. Then the band played and I was suddenly aware that I came alone. People danced and I hurt. Damn period. These doctors danced to Volare, Livin La Vida Loca, and the freaking Black Eyed Peas. They looked like they were having fun. Suddenly I remembered myself telling this guy that I hated people, and he told me that was why people hated me. Is that so?

The gala dinner was over, and I walked back to the next hotel. That was where I stayed. I passed the lame, empty beach in the lame, empty Nusa Dua. There was no moon. The beach was waveless. All I saw was black, and black, and black. I just couldn’t take it. I sat down on the sand and started to cry.

Made a deal with my cashier-mate that we would do the job in shifts. He would take the 7am-2pm, I’d take the rest. Finally, woke up late and missed the breakfast. Spent the morning reading Negeri 5 Menara and it was boring. Didn’t really feel like going outside. Bali was still cold. Or was it just my room? Looked around the room and it was empty. And dirty. Exactly like my own bedroom. Roommate never came. Busy with her own duty in the congress. Kept reminding myself of the Vietnam-Thailand trip on why I agreed to go to Bali in the first place. Nusa Dua was still lame. Took over the cashier booth in the afternoon. Traffic was empty. Asian doctors still had problems speaking English. Wasted my time reading Discover magazines until 9pm. But hey, I created a plot for 2012′s SHINee Big Bang!

This was not a day wasted.

Stayed behind the cashier desk from 7am until 9pm. Only bearable cos I worked with the cutest guy ever. Served with an overpriced lunch box that everyone wasted. Dealt with world doctors with sucky English. Found that these Japanese doctors were cute. SHINee teasers went out and was immediately distracted from work. Bali was still cold. Nusa Dua was lame. Went back to the hotel room tired.

Was this a day wasted?

Woke up around 7 in the morning, which is mega early for me, I’m surprised at myself. Very looking forward to breakfast, because free all you can eat will always make me get up in the morning every time. I felt so stupid when I realized that this was Bali. It’s only been a day and I felt beef deprived already. Chicken sausage tastes awful. The various kinds of cereal offered made me forget of how I missed beef. But ergh, the mineral water. They mixed it with lemon and I didn’t like it that much. Why is Bali so cold anyway? It wouldn’t stop drizzling. I didn’t expect the beach to be this cold, I didn’t bring any jackets.

I went to the committee headquarter for the briefing. I was helping as the cashier and this was my first time using the credit card machine. It was awesome and yet mundane at the same time lol i felt so sleepy by noon, I excused myself to get a little nap. After an hour, it was time to work.

It was confusing in the beginning, because we kept having miscommunication with the registration staff. Even one Dutch lady told us how we were being so unprofessional lol you think? I endured it all from 3 to 9 pm because I was working with the cutest guy in the whole congress. I felt myself falling everytime he smiled my way. Crap.

When it was time to go back to our respective rooms, I had to move to the next hotel. He and his brother offered to take me there, they even got a giant umbrella to cover us from the neverending drizzle. I was quite disappointed when he didn’t offer to take my suitcase tough lol and it turned out that only his brother would take me to the hotel. In the end, this guy was the one who offered to carry my suitcase. In exchange, I carried the umbrella for us. He left me at the next hotel.

My new room isn’t as pretty as my previous one, but at least it was my own. I spent the remaining time before midnight to deal with pending tasks from the music school. I felt so tired.

And I miss one particular person, it’s driving me crazy. I feel stupid.

Last year, my uncle asked me to help him in this cardiovascular conference in Bali as a secretary. I declined because I was still busy with school and an internship in a law firm. Now that I’ve graduated, I got some free time and they still need people. I agreed to help around 2 weeks before the conference.

Somehow I’m pretty busy for an unemployed. I only had time to pack my things this morning, and when I was done, I still had a couple of hours to watch Big Bang Theory. I’m such a nomad, packing is easy. I flew with Lion Air and it was delayed, as usual. I bought a piece of bread only to be asked if I was Vierra’s Widi, a vocalist of a national band, which is weird because I’m pretty sure I don’t look like her. This is the fourth time people tell me I look like her.

The last time I went to Bali was almost a decade ago. This is my third time. I don’t remember much except for Warung Made and Jimbaran Cafe. Ngurah Rai isn’t as grand as I thought it would be. I walked around for a while to find the committee that would take me to the hotel. My hotel is in Nusa Dua, where the conference will be held. It’s a big complex of lux hotels, very quiet and exclusive. I was told that I have a room reservation in Nusa Dua Beach hotel but found out that it wasn’t there. It took me a while to sort things out. Now I’m waiting for a fellow committee to take me to Westin to spend the night. This is all very confusing. I’m excited to meet new people though.

Update
I’m still waiting. Sitting next to a fish pond whose color is so dark, the water looks like smooth silk, rippling to the edges. And there’s only one person I can think of to accompany me here. How nice it would be if he were here with me. Just the two of us, laying on the same bed. And that’s exactly the kind of thought I need to erase out of my head.